


The Progress of Time

by Pennatus



Category: Epic (2013)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death, bit of Ronin character study, men and their emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 22:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/958151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennatus/pseuds/Pennatus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snatches of Ronin's life, forgotten. No, hidden. </p>
<p>Nod wonders what's come over him as he watches. Thank God M.K.'s there to beat some sense into him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Progress of Time

"No, Arty, _you're_ it this time!"

"But I'm _always_ it!"

Tara laughed as she ran forward a few steps, her dark skin glistening in the sunlight, the flower petals on her dress flaring out behind her. Ronin turned and punched the child next to him on the arm, flashing a white smile. "You don't argue with Tara."

Arty stuck out his tongue, brushing back unruly brown hair. "Why don't we play something else?"

Tara paused, lifting a hand to shield her eyes against the sun, the plants and trees stretching high above them. "Hmm, we could play Queen."

"Queen?" Ronin asked, coming up beside her. "How do we play that?"

"I'll be the Queen…" She turned to him with a smile. "And you can be my Leafmen."

"That sounds fun!" Arty snatched a twig from the ground and brandished it proudly. "I'd be the best sword fighter in all of Moonhaven! Take that! And that!"

"What about you, Ronin?" she asked of the other boy, who seemed startled.

"What about me?"

"What would you do best?"

He shrugged. "I don't really want to be a Leafman."

"Not even to protect me?"

Ronin caught her glance and his young face sharpened. "Then I would be the best protector ever. I wouldn't let anything happen to you."

Tara's eyes widened and she suddenly darted in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before giggling. "I know you would be."

"What about me?" Arty pouted, poking Ronin with his stick. "I'd be a great protector too."

She smiled. "Both of you would be. Together we'd keep this forest safe. Keep it alive." Suddenly she gasped and pointed. "Against the evil Boggans!"

Arty let out a cry and charged the imaginative enemy, Ronin snatching up his own weapon, with Tara close behind.

 

\--

 

"It won't be any different, Ronin," Tara promises, laying a hand on his arm.

Ronin's expression is tight, and intense, but softens at her touch. "…why not?"

Her lips curved. "Because you've always protected me up until now."

"But what if I fail…then I fail the forest as well…"

She tilted her head and forced herself into his line of sight. "Then you'll just have to get better."

"At what?"

"At everything. I believe in you."

He hesitated before lifting a hand to touch her cheek. "…I can't get better at everything. That's not possible."

She cradled his hand in hers. "You can do anything you set your mind to, Ronin. Ah - there's that smile!"

He turned away, hiding the expression and the blush on his cheeks as Arty burst onto the scene.

"What'd I miss, what'd I miss? Ohhh, Tara, you look lovely," he announced as he walked up to them.

"Oh stop it," she laughed. "You'll have to start taking your duties seriously you know!"

"When am I not serious?" Arty asked with mock hurt. "Cheer up, Ronin," he added, slinging an arm around his best friend. "You don't have to do this alone."

"We'll always be here," Tara promised.

The smile hadn't faded from Ronin's expression. "You I believe, Tara. Arty? Not so much."

"I would _never_ let you down," Arty replied solemnly, then laughed at both of their expressions. "At least, not when it matters!"

 

\--

 

"No…" Ronin whispered, horrified, as he lowered Arty to the ground. The blood trickled over his fingers onto the green, green grass, staining it a dirty red.

"Quick thinking on your part, old friend, getting us out of the Boggan's lair," Arty managed, smiling and pale. "I'm glad one of us made it out all right."

"Don't…I - I can…Tara can help you…"

He laughed, weakly. "Too late for me, I'm afraid. Ronin, listen to me." A hand came up to grip his forearm.

Ronin took the bloodied hand in either of his, their grip slippery. "I'm here."

"I want you to take good care of my son, you here? He's a little thick skulled…"

The answering smile was watery. "Like someone else I knew at that age."

Another laugh. "Yeah. That's why I know he's got potential. But someone's gotta beat it into that head of his, and I guess it's not going to be me."

Ronin's breath was shaky.

"And don't go blaming yourself for this. I knew what I was getting into. I knew the risks. I'm happy to die here, in your arms, helping the forest…helping Tara…I know you'll take good care of Nod."

"Of - of course."

"Ronin." Arty's other hand gripped the back of the warrior's neck with surprising strength. "You're my best friend. You've always been there for me. We had some great years together. I…I love you."

Ronin's breath caught and the tears spilled down. "I - you idiot. I love you too. Dammit, I love you…don't go…please…"

But the grip on him slackened.

Ronin howled his grief to the sky, uncaring of who heard or saw, his heart breaking.

 

\--

 

"You've got a lot of scars."

Ronin was startled out of his thoughts, his memories, by those words. Looking up, he saw Nod coming closer and sitting down in front of him, motioning at his bare chest.

"Ah…yeah." He rather belatedly remembered he was supposed to be dressing his wounds and had gotten lost in his mind, though he supposed that with the Boggans dealt a decisive blow they wouldn't be back for awhile and it was all right to rest for a bit. Still, there was much to be done, for both the new Queen and for the Leafmen who were recovering from the attack. He didn't have time to sit around daydreaming.

"Finn's taking care of things out there," Nod said, referring to Ronin's red-headed second in command. "Shouldn't you see a doctor?"

"It's fine. I patched myself up." I've done it before, he wanted to add, but for some reason that sounded boastful in his mind and he stopped himself.

"What about your leg? Weren't you limping?"

Ronin raised an eyebrow. "Getting observant now, are we?"

Nod grinned. "Hey I've always had the skills. I just hadn't put them to good use."

"Are you here to stay now? As a Leafman?"

"You already know my answer is yes and you're avoiding my question."

Ronin leaned forward, ignoring the twinge in his side from the action. "Nod, _why_ you're staying is just as important as knowing that you're staying."

Nod glanced to the side before looking back, squaring his shoulders. "I've realized how important the forest is, to all of us. And I want to protect the new Queen."

Ronin found himself smiling. Must be the blood loss. "I can respect that."

"Good, now, your leg?"

The Leafmen commander rolled his eyes. "It's just a sprain. It's fine."

"You should stay off it though."

"I'm not planning on running a marathon."

When Ronin bent his leg and put his hands underneath himself to rise, though, Nod was suddenly closer, pressing down and keeping him from moving.

"Don't make me order you to let go," Ronin said, a bit irritated. He had things to do and no time to do them.

"If you hadn't noticed, I'm not very good at taking orders."

"Nod." A warning tone.

"…I thought you were dead."

Ronin glanced up sharply but Nod's face was surprisingly blank as he stared down from above.

"I seriously thought you were dead. I thought the Boggans had gotten you."

Ronin honestly wasn't sure how to respond to that. "…well, I'm here now."

"It just - it was weird, you know? Thinking you were gone. Since my dad died you're - you're kinda all I have left."

That pulled a sigh out of Ronin. "I know and I…I haven't done a very good job of looking after you."

"Stop it." Nod crouched down so they were eye to eye. "Why do you always do that?"

Startled, Ronin asked, "Do what?"

"Take the blame for everything. It's like you can't let go. You just keep it all inside you and…" Nod made a motion towards his chest. "It _festers_ in there. It gets all weird in your head. No one blames you for the stuff you blame yourself for. The Queen's death wasn't your fault. And neither was my dad's."

"You don't know that," he answered quietly.

Nod gave a violent shake of his head. "I _do_! Because I know you and you would've done everything to protect my dad. That's just who you are. Do you even think about yourself?"

Ronin clenched his fists. "…when Arty - when your father died, I - I couldn't handle it. I just thought, what if I had done this, or if something different had happened…every night I went through scenarios in my head. Over and over. I only thought about how I had failed, what if I could've saved him…I only thought about myself and my own suffering. By thinking about others I can move on. By focusing on who is still alive, on who I can still save…I can fight off that darkness inside me. I don't know how else to survive and for that, I'm sorry. I just - need some time." He swallowed thickly.

"Wow. I think that's the most you've ever said to me that's not yelling." Nod sat down heavily next to him, their shoulders touching. "You and my dad were really close, huh?"

"He was my best friend" didn't seem like enough but it was all Ronin could think of to say.

Nod seemed to understand. "He talked about you a lot. It seemed that every adventure he went on, you were right there beside him. I think maybe I should be jealous but…I'm not. I wish - well, I kinda want someone like that. Someone who'd - think of me when they die." He rubbed the back of his neck. "That's kinda creepy though."

"It's a heavy burden," Ronin answered, staring at his hands. "A relationship like that…"

He felt a warm touch and looked down in surprise to see Nod tracing a scar that looped down across his shoulder. Ronin found himself shivering slightly, a strange anticipation curling in his stomach at the touch.

"Nod…we - we should get back out there."

The younger man gave a soft hum of agreement and his fingers stilled but he did not pull away.

"There are things yet to do," Ronin insisted, and he wasn't sure who he was trying to convince.

"What was it like when Tara was chosen?" Nod asked suddenly.

The question sent a lance through Ronin's heart yet the answer sprung to his lips easily, wanting to be free. "It was beautiful…the old Queen and her talked for hours, alone, while Arty and I waited. When she came out she had this glow to her and she was smiling, and all the flowers reached for it. She took my hands…and she said it felt like coming home. Then she kissed me, and asked if I would be her Leafman, even as Arty laughed."

"You really loved her, huh."

Ronin folded his fingers together and took a slow breath to stop the tears. "It felt the same when you were born." He lifted his head.

"What do you mean?" Nod sounded almost cautious, and hopeful.

"Arty and Tara were my world, Nod. And when you were born, it was like everything was right in that world. And since then I've just…" _I've just ruined everything._ But he didn't quite feel that way. Arty and Tara were gone, yes, and that hurt more than he could've thought possible. But Nod was growing into the young man he'd hoped for, one full of promise and joy and wonder, that had endless possibilities in front of him and happiness just waiting to unfold.

"Blood loss really gets you going." Nod's voice was a bit choked.

Ronin just raised an eyebrow. "Let's go. We've got a new Queen to protect." This time Nod didn't try and stop him as Ronin rose to his feet, ignoring the flash of pain from his leg.

"Woah," and Nod was beside him, looping an arm around him, taking some of his weight. Ronin's own arm went instinctively around the other where Nod's other hand gripped his wrist. The closeness stirred something in Ronin that he resolutely pushed down.

"You really are stubborn."

"Look who's talking," the commander found himself returning.

"I learn from the best." Nod's smile crinkled the corners of his eyes. "This won't be too humiliating for you will it?"

"There's nothing embarrassing about taking aid offered freely and honestly from a friend."

That got a laugh out of Nod. "You act all tough and macho but on the inside you're just a big squishy ball."

Ronin wasn't quite sure how to respond to that one.

 

\--

 

"Oh! You must be Ronin! Hey, are you all right?"

The Queen was, Ronin remembered with amusement, still just a child. "I'm fine, Your Majesty."

The young girl made a face. "Nah, that sounds so formal and boring. You can just call me Marigold."

" _I'll_ call you Marigold," Nod interjected, "but Ronin here is a little more of a stickler."

"Well, that's all right." She took a moment to eye the two of them, propping her hands on her hips. "Are you _sure_ you don't want to lay down or something? You look really pale."

"There will be time for rest later," Ronin said dismissively.

"Hmm," and the look she was giving them was doubtful.

"See what I mean?" Nod asked jovially and she giggled.

"I'm here to protect and serve, Your Majesty," Ronin said, deciding the best course of action was to ignore their joking. "Is there anything you require?"

"You seriously look like you're about to fall over. Maybe you could sit down and talk."

Ronin sighed but allowed Nod to gently deposit him onto one of the cushions lying around the room. Tara's old room sent a pang of loneliness through Ronin but seeing the new Queen walk over to him and sit down eased the ache a bit.

The forest was alive and well. The Boggans had been pressed back. If it hadn't come at such a high price, this would be one of the most glorious days of his life.

"I have so many questions," Marigold broke his reverie, looking excited.

"I will answer them to the best of my abilities," Ronin answered. "Unfortunately, I will not be able to help you with everything."

She patted him on the arm. "I didn't expect you to! That'd be silly, for one guy to do everything."

This pulled a smile out of the obviously tired warrior. "It would be, wouldn't it. Nod, can you go find Finn and have him report to me? If you don't mind, Your Majesty."

Marigold waved a dismissive hand. "Nah. Now, the first question I have is, can I eat _whatever_ I want? Because my mom said…"

Nod left, chuckling, taking in Ronin's carefully patient expression.

With all the chaos and celebration going on in Moonhaven, it took awhile to find Ronin's second in command. Finn looked just as tired as Nod felt but gave the other a smile when he walked up. "How's it going?"

"That should be my question." He waited as Finn talked quietly with a Leafman who trotted up.

The Leafman gave a hurried salute afterward and jogged off as Finn sighed and crossed his arms. "The Boggans are on the run. We've harried them back to their borders but I don't really feel like chasing them farther. I should ask Ronin what he wants to do. Have you seen him? I figured he'd find me by this point."

"He's with the Queen. He sent me to find you, actually."

Finn shook his head with a wry grin. "He never quits, that one. I'm not even surprised he managed to fight his way through so many Boggans just to make it back to the pod."

"Has he always been like that? So…persistent?"

Finn raised an eyebrow at the question. "What's got you so interested?"

Nod tried his shrug casual. "Just curious."

"Sure." The red-head's tone conveyed what he thought of that. "C'mon, let's walk and talk."

As they began to pick their way through the crowd, Finn continued, "I always admired him. It feels like he's been leading the Leafmen forever but I guess it actually hasn't been that long. He's driven and always put the Queen's safety first but he'd also sacrifice himself for any one of the Leafmen. A true leader." He glanced over. "That answer any of your questions?"

"Uh, yeah. When did _he_ join, though?"

Finn seemed surprised at the question. "Right after Tara was announced Queen, of course. With your father."

Of course. It seemed obvious, when he said it like that. Nod remembered what Ronin had said about Tara asking him to be her Leafman. It's not like he would've said no…

"He's a good man," Finn added, almost to himself. "I'm proud to serve under him."

"…yeah." There really wasn't much to add after that, so a comfortable silence fell between them as they walked to the Queen's chambers.

When they pushed inside, Marigold looked up then pressed a finger to her lips, but Nod was already focusing on the resting figure.

Ronin looked relaxed in his sleep in a way he never did when he was awake. His head was tilted to the side, exposing the neck of his throat, tan from years outside and peppered with faint scars from countless battles. His chest rose and fell with the steady rhythm of sleep, his lips slightly parted, cheeks still pale from the blood loss. The black eye was dark and garish against his skin, a mute testament to all he had survived.

Nod couldn't help thinking he looked totally and utterly - beautiful.

The new Queen grabbed their arms and towed them out of the room and Nod forced himself to shake off those weird thoughts.

"He tried, he really did, got to give him credit, but five straight minutes solid of endless talking from me is enough to make anyone drift off." She seemed satisfied. "He really needed it too, what _happened_ to him?"

"He fought off an entire Boggan army to get back to the pod so you were chosen," Nod found himself saying.

"Oh, wow." A light dusting of pink smattered Marigold's cheeks. "Ok, that is pretty cool. No wonder he was tired. I should give him an award or something."

"He won't accept anything like that," Finn said, then added as an afterthought, "Your Majesty."

"Just Marigold is fine," she said with a smile, "and yeah, I figured he was like that. Talking can wait for one night, the Boggans are all gone right?"

Finn's lips pulled up. "Yes, they are."

"Good! Then tonight we'll party! And you two should get some sleep too!"

That seemed like a great idea to Nod, who thanked the Queen and went to the barracks to claim his old bunk, all the while trying to the image of Ronin in the Queen's chambers out of his mind.

 

\--

 

"When's Ronin gonna come and chat?"

Nod glanced up at M. K. from his position on her knee as she looked down with that ridiculous head gear.

It'd been a strange adjustment, but M.K. was still M.K., no matter how big she was. As they fell back into jokes and pseudo-flirting, through the cameras and in person, Nod felt more and more at ease around both her and her father.

He hated to admit it, but somehow a relationship with M.K. - that is, a romantic one - had kind of…lost its spark. Not to say he regretted kissing her - it seemed like the right thing to do at the same, and it _was_ (theoretically) his last chance to do so. He still enjoyed hanging out with her and talking but she had turned into an understanding sister to him rather than a possible partner.

What _really_ scared him, though, was where his attentions had turned.

"I dunno," he found himself answering. "Soon. I'll get him to dig his head out of the dirt and come say hi."

M.K. smiled. "Still busy with the new Queen, huh?"

Nod snorted. "If it were possible, he'd do everything himself and dissolve the Leafmen completely."

"That sounds like him. How's training going?"

Nod rolled his eyes. "Same as always. It'd be great if Ronin could loosen up for five minutes."

"He's just worried about you."

"He's worried about _everyone_. It's not his job to protect us."

"Actually, it kind of is," M.K. pointed out with a laugh which Nod felt through her leg.

He stuck his tongue out. "You know what I mean."

"I wouldn't change him, though."

"Yeah." Nod smiled. "Me neither. But hey, have you decided where you're going to college yet?"

Her expression said she realized the subject change and accepted it, but the conversation wasn't over yet.

That was good enough for Nod…for now.

 

\--

 

"M.K." Ronin's expression softened as he jumped up to a branch, eye to eye with the crouching teenager. "It's good to see you. Sorry it's been so long."

Nod was a bit surprised at Ronin's easy acceptance of M.K.'s larger form, but then again, he'd never been afraid of Stompers and had been leading M.K.'s father on a wild goose chase for years. He supposed it had something to do with how many years Ronin had been a warrior - he knew his own limitations and that of pretty much every creature in the forest, and he saw no reason to be afraid or wary.

"Couldn't get away to see your friend?" M.K. teased but both could tell she wasn't angry, only happy to see the commander again.

"Some of us take our duties seriously," and the look he sent Nod was received with a smirk.

The three of them talked for awhile, about everything and anything, the conversation easy and smooth. It was strangely cathartic, Nod thought, as their voices ebbed around him. And it was certainly nice to talk without the threat of imminent death hanging over their shoulders. To discover that M.K.'s favorite food was strawberries and that she loved reading, or that Ronin's favorite book was _The Wind Beats the Willows_ and he loved watching the sunrise.

It felt _right_.

It was a long while later Ronin rose and said in an apologetic tone, "I've got to be going. But let's make sure to meet up again."

"Absolutely." M.K. lifted a hand in farewell as Ronin mounted his hummingbird and darted away.

"That was nice," M.K. reflected as she leaned back.

"Yeah," Nod agreed. "I never would've thought Ronin would spend his free time reading."

"He seems like a well rounded individual."

"A what?" Nod looked confused at that phrase.

"Oh, you know, it just means someone who does a lot, knows a lot. Usually someone who travels and has a lot of knowledge." She was used to explaining human phrases to Nod by now.

"Oh." He thought for a moment. "That sounds exactly like Ronin."

"Ok, spill." She leaned forward and Nod looked up, startled. "How exactly do you feel about Ronin?"

Nod raised an eyebrow. "He's my pain in the butt commanding officer."

"Uh _huh_." M.K. was clearly not convinced and Nod's heart started to beat a little faster as he prayed she'd drop it. "Well…ok. I'll let it go. For now. But you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Nod's eyes slid closed in relief. "I know." He opened them again and smiled. "Trust me, I know."

 

\--

 

"Nod," and he turned back in surprise to see Ronin jogging up to him.

"What's up?" He turned suspicious. "You don't want me to go on another patrol, do you?"

Ronin looked amused. "No, nothing like that. It's a bit last minute but I was wondering if - well - "

"What?" Nod didn't think he'd ever seen Ronin look so uncomfortable.

The commander took a deep breath. "Today is the anniversary of your father's death and every year I release petal boats down the stream in his honor. I was wondering if you'd like to come with me."

Nod was stunned into speechlessness. He'd noticed Ronin was missing each year during that day but hadn't quite known what to make of it. To know that he'd been doing this…

All he could manage was a nod, but the expression on Ronin's face was more than answer.

 

\--

 

"M.K.! Hey," Nod called, tapping on the camera. "Come out and play!"

Sighing, he sat down and scrubbed a hand through his hair. Months of training and being around Ronin had forced him to think through a few things. It was just… _weird_. It wasn't like he hadn't been around Ronin before. He'd been training under him before Queen Marigold! But something had changed that he couldn't quite pin down. Seeing Ronin fight - seeing him defend the forest with his life…and then when he'd been invited to honor the loss of his father…it had changed his perception of Ronin in a way that Nod could feel all the way down to his bones. Something that had been lurking in the background had abruptly made itself known and Nod just _didn't know what to do_.

He needed to talk to someone.

When the screen flickered on, he couldn't stop a low breath.

M.K. smiled. "Nod! Hey, didn't we talk like yesterday? I figured you'd be busy!"

"Yeah I just - uhm, really need to talk, are you free?"

"Stay right there," M.K. ordered.

"What - why can't we - "

"This sounds like the kind of conversation we need to have in person. Don't move!"

"Not like I have a choice," Nod muttered, putting his head in his chin.

It wasn't that long before M.K. came traipsing through the woods and settled across from Nod. "Ok, now, what is this about?"

"Ah, well…" He wasn't quite sure how to start.

M.K. seemed to sense his dilemma. "This is about Ronin, isn't it?"

Nod's eyes widened. "How'd you know?"

She laughed. "I hate to break it to you, but it's been obvious. The way you've been pining after him, I mean. I think the only one who hasn't noticed is Ronin."

"That bad, huh?" He rubbed his jaw in embarrassment. "You aren't…mad, are you?"

"Of course not." She leaned back. "I mean, maybe there was something between us, and I'm a little sad it has to end but…" She grinned. "Watching you and Ronin is just way too entertaining."

"I just - I mean, _why_? I don't even understand it." He groaned and dropped his face in his hands.

M.K. rested her hands on her knees. "Tell me what you like about Ronin. What are his good traits?"

Nod rolled his eyes. "Fine…he's smart, and talented, a great flier and warrior, he's patient, he's looked after me, he's thoughtful - "

She raised her hands. "Maybe _that's_ why."

"It feels so weird," Nod confessed in a low voice. "Like, I can't help myself around him. I just wanna touch him and know more about him. But he gives off this 'stay ten feet away' vibe that I can't get past."

M.K.'s smile was gentle. "I think your best approach is a direct one."

"…what?"

She laughed. "Well, you're both men, you've got skulls thicker than a brick wall. Unless you make it _very_ clear you're interested, he's not going to figure it out."

"But what if he - ?" Nod couldn't quite bring himself to say it.

"Nod, this is Ronin we're talking about. I'm sure he'll have all sorts of objections to it. But you have to convince him. You have to show him why being together with him is more important than all of those reasons."

"…I should've expected that from a girl. But…thanks."

"If it makes you feel any better I think you two would make a great couple," M.K. said with a sly little smile.

"Thanks for having my back, M.K."

"Anytime."

 

\--

 

"Ronin, hey, can we talk?"

Ronin sighed, turning around. "Nod, I am not changing your patrol route. So stop asking."

"It's not that. Here." Without further warning, Nod grabbed his arm and dragged him into a sheltered alcove. Ronin allowed himself to be towed along with a  suspicious expression.

"Ok, I'm not sure how to say this…" Nod scratched his head as they stopped.

Ronin crossed his arms. "I don't have time for this. Say your piece or - !"

Whatever else he was going to say was lost as Nod pressed a firm kiss on Ronin's lips. For a few seconds there was a slow, steady reciprocation that had Nod's blood stirring, a relaxing of Ronin's body that spoke of contentment. Then, abruptly, Nod was yanked away rather harshly.

"What are you _doing_." Ronin's cheeks were flushed, his eyes bright, his brows drawn together. Too many emotions were warring on his face for Nod to figure out what he was thinking.

"Kissing you." Nod thought that was very obvious. And also very nice.

"Why." The word was ground out of Ronin with obvious reluctance.

"Because I wanted to."

Ronin shook his head, slowly, as though he was hearing something he couldn't believe. "I thought you and M.K. - "

"We talked it out. Look, I like you, and you liked that kiss, so why don't you just tell me why this is a bad idea so I can ignore and we can get to the good part?"

"No - Nod - this is not happening."

"No camaraderie in the ranks?"

"What?" He scowled. "You know there are married couples that fight together."

"Then something stupid about duty?"

"Nod! _Listen_." Ronin looked pained. "It can't be me."

"Oh. All right. I'll just tell that to my feelings then. Should be easy."

"Stop joking." The commander had a desperate air around him. "Please. You're so _young_. You have a long life ahead of you. I can't - I _won't_ hold you back like that."

"It's an _age_ thing? I thought you of all people wouldn't be hung up on that."

"It's not because I'm old, Nod." Ronin's fingers gripped the other soldier's arm a little too tightly. "It's because I'm - broken."

"Ronin - "

"Be quiet and _listen_ for once! I've been through things that I wouldn't wish on any other creature. Things that have scarred me, physically and emotionally. I suffer enough on my own. _I won't drag you into that_. Do you understand?"

"Why should you suffer alone?"

"What?" That question clearly wasn't what Ronin was expecting.

Nod stabbed a finger into the other's chest. "Going through it alone, that's selfish. I never thought you'd be so selfish. Of all people, Ronin, shouldn't you try harder to be a better man?"

To Nod's surprise, Ronin started laughing, a slow build-up that broke out of him. "You are so like your father sometimes," he whispered.

"I'm going to take that as a yes, you should kiss me again," and when Ronin just smiled Nod did just that.

When he pulled back, a bit breathless, Ronin murmured, "This is a bad idea."

Nod gave an indulgent hum.

"If you ever change your mind - at any time - I won't hold it against you," he added.

"Don't count on it," Nod answered with a grin.

 

\--

 

Being Ronin's lover had its ups and downs, but somehow this was the worst.

Nod pulled Ronin closer, tighter, the older man pliant and shaking his grip.

"I'm sorry," Ronin whispered, as he always did.

"Shut up," he whispered back, and buried his face in the salt and pepper hair. Ronin's exhale had a shiver of laughter in it.

The half full moon shone brightly through their shared quarters to spill silver on the stone floor. Ronin's sleep had been better and longer lately but he still hadn't gone a full week without a nightmare scaring them both awake. Sometimes Ronin would talk about it but, most of the time, they would lie here in the dark, together, not talking, just taking in the other.

A soft noise from Ronin had Nod easing up on his hold but not letting go. The worst of the tremors were over for now, as long as he didn't dream again.

Tonight, though, he wanted _answers._

"Ronin, when did the dreams start?"

Ronin's sigh was low and tired. "…after your father died."

"Why didn't you see anyone about them? The healers could help."

Silence.

"Ronin…"

"I thought I deserved them." Ronin's voice was quiet. "I thought they were punishment for letting your father die in front of me, in my arms."

"…we're going to see the healers, Ronin. Tomorrow."

Ronin nodded, sighing. "The moon is beautiful tonight."

"Yeah."

"Tara loved the moon. She'd go out dancing on nights when the moon was full…"

Nod smiled. "I remember. Sometimes she'd make it a big celebration and all of Moonhaven would join in."

"…Nod."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

Ronin managed a smile. "Why don't you try to figure it out."

"…for the amazing sex last night?"

The responding punch was none too gentle.

Laughing, Nod pulled Ronin up for a kiss. "You're welcome."

The light through the window created shadows that danced along the walls as the sheets rustled.


End file.
